The Basketball Movie “All Stars”

Basketball is like poetry in motion, cross the guy to the left, take him back to the right, he’s fallin’ back, then just J right in his face. Then you look at him and say, “What?”
–    Jesus Shuttleworth.

I’ve always loved basketball movies (mainly b/c basketball is my favorite sport), but there’s something pretty special about Hollywood being able to recreate the magic that happens on a basketball court.

Have you ever wondered what an all time “fictional” basketball movies team would look like?  Well, lucky for you I’ve taken the liberty to put together my starting line up, bench, coach and mascot.  These “players, coach & mascot” come from all my favorite basketball movies – (I only did fictional characters b/c I thought its much more fun that way).  So without further ado, let’s break it down.

THE SUPERSTARS AKA “THE STARTING LINE-UP

movie-all-stars-neon

Center –

NEON from BLUE CHIPS

Sure Neon is dumb as rocks, but this guy was unstoppable.  Neon would dunk over everyone and anyone – just lob it up there and he’d be sure to finish.  Just watch out for any pieces of glass off the shattered backboard.

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Power Forward –

POUND (the orange heavy set Monstar who took Charles Barkley’s ability) from SPACE JAM

Orange monster – power forward… nuff said… You need your power forward to be an intimidating presence and an orange Monstar with the ability of Sir Charles and his mouth to boot; it’s the perfect PF.

movie-all-stars-shep

Small Forward –

SHEP from ABOVE THE RIM

Shep is definitely a little wacky in the head (plays basketball at midnight against an imaginary opponent with an imaginary basketball) but you know the dude doesn’t miss.  He was getting knocked over left and right in the final tournament in Above the Rim and still hit every shot .You have to have a gutsy player like that on your team, someone who can finish when the game is on the line – crazy and all.

Shooting Guard –

MICHAEL JORDAN from SPACE JAM

movie-all-stars-mj

Two words – Michael Jordan.  Sure he’s not really fictional, but he is playing somewhat of a fictional character in Space Jam but it’s still M.J. and he has to be in any of your “all-time” squads fictional or not.

movie-all-stars-wrights

Point Guard –

MONICA WRIGHT from LOVE & BASKETBALL

I love Monica’s heart & hustle throughout the whole movie.  She’s gutsy and she can lead a team to victory and get hers at the same time, who can forget her pulling up from the three point line during the fast break then leaving her hand high… that’s cojones right there.

THE ROLE PLAYERS AKA “THE BENCH”


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PG/SG –

SCOTT HOWARD from TEEN WOLF

He’s a werewolf!!! Got’s to have that intimidating presence off the bench… plus if your team mascot ever gets sick you’ll have a back up.

movie-all-stars-WATSON

PG –

KYLE LEE WATSON from ABOVE THE RIM

He’s cocky and hardheaded, but he’s got handle and can shoot pretty well – you just have to remind him to spread his fingers during the release.

movie-all-stars-hoyle-dean

SG –

BILLY HOYLE from WHITE MAN CAN’T JUMP

You have to admire a guy who can hit a half court hook shot and looks as goofy as he does but can still ball with the best of them.  You’re always going to need a shooter off the bench, and Billy Hoyle will knock down the open shot a la Steve Kerr during the ’96 NBA finals.

SG –

SIDNEY DEAN from WHITE MEN CAN’T JUMP

I don’t’ really think Sidney will get much playing time on this totally stacked team – BUT you know he’ll be talking non-stop and annoying the hell out of the players on the other team.

movie-all-stars-saleh

C –

SALEH from THE AIR UP THERE

He’s a little on the thin side, but he’s like Manute Bol he can block every shot in sight, plus he’ll pull that 3 step move that Kevin Bacon taught him whenever you need a quick basket.

movie-all-stars-jesus

SG/SF –

JESUS SHUTTLESWORTH from HE GOT GAME

He’s been groomed since a kid to play basketball and his game is good enough to take MJ’s starting spot once he retires.  Plus you know he is not going to mess up cause daddy Jake SHuttlesworth is going to come after him and make him run suicides at 2 in the am.

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COACH – BOBBY FINSTOCK

This would be the perfect coach comprised of lots of all stars cause he really doesn’t care too much, he’s just out there to have a good time and collect his paycheck.  My favorite quote from Coach Finstock:

Coach Finstock:   Look Scotty, I know what you’re going through. Couple years back, a kid came to me much the same way you’re coming to me now, saying the same thing that you’re saying. He wanted to drop off the team. His mother was a widow, all crippled up. She was scrubbing floors. She had this pin in her hip. So he wanted to drop basketball and get a job. Now these were poor people, these were hungry people with real problems. Understand what I’m saying?

Scott Howard: What happened to the kid?

Coach Finstock: I don’t know. He quit. He was a third stringer, I didn’t need him.

movie-all-stars-mascot

TEAM MASCOT –

BUGALOO from ABOVE THE RIM

Bugaloo played by Marlon Waynes is your perfect team mascot, he looks funny and you’ll know he’ll keep your players loose by always thinking he can be part of the team.

Well there you have it people.  My Basketball Movies “All Star” Team… You think I missed somebody or have your own all start team?? Let me know.

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3 Responses

  1. I can’t believe u put in a girl to start over Teenwolf! He has the illest head fake in the game! Plus if he ever fouls out…BOOM back to Scotty and he gets 5 more.

    John Tucker from “John Tucker Must Die” My man can get do it all, and in a ladies thong none the less.

    • You know Monica from Love and Basketball definitely has more game than Scotty, that’s why I had to start her… plus, I need those ten fouls coming off the bench, since I have Leon as my starting center.

  2. What about Jimmy Chipwood from Hoosiers. He had the nicest J in Indiana HS basketball history. perfect form, perfect release, perfect hair; Street Cred? He spends his time shooting baskets on a hoop with no net

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